Finding Your People

Friendship is one of the most important parts of our mental health, yet sometimes even the most outgoing of us are surprised to discover that making friends can be one of the hardest parts of adulting. We know we need friends, but no one really teaches us how to make them, especially once we’re out of school or navigating the busyness of adulthood.

If you’ve found yourself wondering, “How do I make new friends?” you’re not alone. This is a question I hear often in therapy. Whether you’ve recently moved, gone through a life transition, or simply realized your social circle has gotten smaller, many people at some point find themselves realizing they need to make some good friends.

Let’s look at why friendship matters, how it forms, and practical steps you can take to create more meaningful connections in your life.

Why Friendship Is Vital for Mental Health

We are wired for connection. Research has consistently shown that strong, healthy friendships improve emotional resilience, reduce stress, and even contribute to longer lifespans. Here are just a few ways friendships support mental health:

• They buffer against stress. Talking with a friend can regulate your nervous system and help you process emotional experiences.

• They improve mood. Laughing, sharing stories, and feeling understood release feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin.

• They prevent loneliness. Chronic loneliness is linked to increased risk of depression, anxiety, and physical health problems.

• They give us perspective. Friends help us see our challenges in new ways and encourage us when we feel stuck.

Even just one or two close friendships can make a profound difference in your mental well-being. But knowing that friendships matter and knowing how to build them are two different things. Let’s dig into how friendships actually form and why they’re different from romantic relationships or quick connections on social media.

Friendship Is Not a Swipe-Right Relationship

In our culture, we’re often shown images of instant connection: the moment you “click” with someone, the friend who just gets you, the fast-moving bond. And while those moments do happen, most real friendships develop slowly, through consistent, low-pressure time spent together.

Think of it this way: you don’t “match” with a friend. You build a friendship—layer by layer, moment by moment.

A close friendship often begins with:

• A shared interest

• Repeated interactions

• Mutual availability

• A sense of emotional safety

This means that if you're trying to make new friends, you're not failing because you didn’t meet your "person" at your first meetup or event. You’re just in the early phase of relationship-building—like laying the foundation of a house before you decorate it.

Step 1: Shift Your Expectations

Before you start seeking new friendships, it's important to set realistic expectations. Friendships don’t form overnight. They are built through:

• Proximity (interacting with someone regularly)

• Shared experience (doing something enjoyable or meaningful together)

• Consistency (showing up over time)

• Vulnerability (gradually letting someone know you)

Here’s a helpful mindset: instead of looking for a “best friend,” look for someone you enjoy spending time with, and give yourself permission to take things slowly.

Step 2: Go Where Connection Is More Likely

So where do you meet people who could turn into friends?

Start by thinking about where you already are or where you could go that would allow for repeated interaction. Friendships need multiple contact points, meaning you’re more likely to connect with someone you see regularly than someone you meet once at a party.

Here are some places and ideas to consider:

1. Join a Class or Club

• Pottery, painting, writing, hiking, gardening, cooking, stained glass, chess—anything you enjoy or are curious about.

• Regular attendance increases your chances of getting to know someone gradually and builds common ground right away.

2. Volunteer

• Volunteering connects you with others who care about similar values.

• It also takes the pressure off. You're doing something meaningful, and conversations can grow naturally.

3. Faith Communities or Spiritual Groups

• Churches, meditation groups, or spiritual book clubs often include smaller gatherings or service opportunities that help people bond.

4. Hobby or Interest-Based Meetups

• Look for Meetup.com groups, Reddit subthreads for your city or hobbies/interests, community boards, or Facebook groups for your city or centered around specific interests in your area. Consider book clubs, workout partners, or classes through the YMCA, Parks and Recreation Department, or local library.

5. Parenting Groups or Playdates

• If you’re a parent, consider connecting with other parents at school events, playgrounds, or parenting support groups.

6. Neighborhood Events

• Attend local markets, block parties, or community clean-up days. These events help you meet people who live nearby, making casual hangouts easier to plan.

• Many neighborhoods have social media groups specific to the neighborhood, such as Facebook or NextDoor. These can be great places to find someone who would walk together.

7. Professional Networking with a Twist

• Look for groups like creative coworking spaces, writing groups, or industry meetups where the focus is on collaboration or conversation, not just business cards and job leads.

When I look back at how I met some of my closest friends, they all started in a different way:

• Some because they provided their contact into after striking up a conversation and I took the somewhat awkward leap of calling them later

• Some because I was in the same place as them week after week and we started talking,

• Some because we shared a commitment to the same interests and worked together to offer quality programs for our kids

  
  

They all started small and cautious, but over time we grew to enjoy each other. Then we spent additional time together outside of the way we met, and eventually we began to feel like family for each other as we learned we could lean on each other and trust each other.

Step 3: Start with Small Talk (Yes, Really)

Small talk is how we build trust in small steps over time and test compatibility. Try starting with:

• A compliment or observation: “I love your water bottle. Where did you get it?”

• A question about the setting: “Have you taken a class here before?”

• A shared experience: “That part of the presentation really made me think about this in a new way. What did you think?”

The key is to show curiosity and warmth. You don’t have to be hilarious or profound. Just be present and willing to engage. If the conversation flows, that’s great. If not, that’s okay too. Move on and try again another time.

Step 4: Be the One Who Reaches Out

This is where a lot of people get stuck: they wait for someone else to make the first move. But most people are also waiting for someone else to take the lead.

You don’t need a grand gesture. Start small:

• Invite someone for coffee after an event.

• Ask if they want to walk with you after class.

• Suggest checking out a local event or book club together.

Here’s a helpful script:

“I really enjoyed talking with you today. Would you want to grab coffee sometime?”

Or: “I’m trying to make more space for friendship lately. Would you be open to getting together sometime?”

It can feel awkward at first, but vulnerability often opens the door to deeper connection.

It can be helpful to have something ready to hand out with your contact info - like a business card but for meeting friends. Calling cards have been used for centuries, and plenty of websites offer low cost options for making business cards, including Walmart photo. If you're a parent, Zazzle has some ideas for connecting with parents of your kids' friends or plenty of Etsy stores offer camp cards for connecting with families your kids meet at camps. Walgreens offers a contact card that's a fun variation of a name sticker. Here are some more ideas for some classy contact cards. You can take those ideas and create your own on your preferred website, too. Using a card is a non-intrusive way of taking the first step and giving the other person the option to continue or not.

If you end up feeling discouraged or rejected if not everyone reaches out, remind yourself that there are other explanations for why you didn't hear from them. Some people don't feel that they have time to be a good friend right now (which is kind of them to save you from the frustration of trying to contact someone who never seems to have time). Some people might not contact you because they lost your info (and ended up losing out on what good have been a great friend). And many more reasons.

Step 5: Let Time and Repetition Work Their Magic

Friendship isn’t just about quality time, it’s about quantity of time, too. Spend time doing things together, even simple things like:

• Attending the same class weekly

• Grabbing coffee before church

• Taking a walk every Friday morning

• Watching a show together each week

These things allow trust and familiarity to build gradually. Over time, shared experiences give you more to talk about, and conversations naturally deepen.

Don't rush the emotional intimacy. Let it grow from shared consistency.

Step 6: Practice Being a Good Friend

While it’s easy to focus on finding the right people, don’t forget to reflect on the kind of friend you want to be.

Here are a few qualities that draw others in:

• Reliability – Do you follow through on plans? Show up when you say you will?

• Curiosity – Do you ask questions and really listen to the answers?

• Openness – Are you willing to be honest about your life, even the imperfect parts?

• Encouragement – Do you offer support without always trying to fix the other person?

If you focus on practicing these qualities, you’ll not only feel more confident, you’ll also attract people who want to build meaningful connections.

Step 7: Recognize the Different Types of Friends

Not every friend needs to be your “everything” friend. You can have different friends for different types of connection:

• The gym buddy

• The coworker you vent with

• The hiking partner

• The deep-conversations-over-coffee friend

This takes pressure off any one relationship to meet all your social needs, and it opens you up to appreciating people for who they are instead of what you need them to be.

What If You’ve Been Hurt Before?

Many people carry wounds from past friendships such as pain from betrayal, rejection, abandonment. It’s normal to feel guarded. But here’s the truth:

You don’t have to trust everyone right away (and probably shouldn't). You just have to be willing to try.

Take small emotional risks. Let someone know something slightly vulnerable such as that you’ve had a hard week or that you’re working on building more connection in your life. Pay attention to how they respond.

If they treat that part of you with kindness and care, you’ve just taken a step forward.

A Word for the Socially Anxious or Introverted

If social settings make you anxious, or if you're an introvert who just feels drained by the idea of small talk and connecting with a lot of other people, making friends can feel even more intimidating.

Some ideas for you:

• Choose smaller groups or one-on-one settings.

• Have an “exit plan” so you don’t feel trapped.

• Focus on depth over breadth. One good connection is enough.

• Let people know how you like to connect For example, “I’m not much of a party person, but I love one-on-one conversations”.

You don’t have to be the life of the party to make a great friend. You just have to be yourself.

Final Thoughts: Keep Planting Seeds

Making friends as an adult is a bit like gardening.

You plant seeds by showing up. You water them with consistency and care. You wait patiently while nothing seems to be happening. And then, slowly, something begins to grow.

If it’s been a while since you’ve felt connected, don’t give up. There are people out there who want friendship just as much as you do. Keep showing up. Keep saying yes. Keep being the kind of friend you hope to find.

Your future friendships are waiting, maybe right around the corner.

Need help working through loneliness, anxiety, or past friendship wounds? Therapy offers a safe place to explore those challenges and build the skills and confidence to create meaningful connection. Whether you're navigating life transitions or learning to set boundaries, a therapist can support you through the process.