The Kitchen Dance

Why Feeling Known Is What Makes Us Feel Loved

When I was a teen, my mom and I often spent time in the kitchen together cooking, doing chores, and moving around each other in a relatively small space. Over time, my mom noticed something curious. We never seemed to bump into one another or be in the other's path. Without talking, we seemed to move out of the way at just the right moment or instinctively choose a different path when the other needed the space. It was as if we were so familiar with each other's patterns that we didn't have to consciously consider what the other was about to do, our nervous system just knew.

The movements flowed so naturally that my mom started calling it “the kitchen dance.”

Years later, I became a mother myself. My kitchen was filled with little humans clinging to my legs, standing exactly where I needed to step, or hovering eagerly while I tried to get dinner on the table. Every movement required conscious effort. I had to carefully maneuver around them, constantly redirecting, always aware of where everyone was.

And then they grew.

They grew taller than me. They took up more space. They began cooking alongside me. One day I realized something beautiful.

My oldest and I were doing the kitchen dance.

In contrast with young kids totally focused on their own needs, unaware that they were repeatedly positioning themselves right in my path, my son had developed a clear sense of "the other." He had learned the rhythm. Even while focused on his own task, he had an implicit sense of what I was doing and where I was headed. And I had the same awareness of his movements.

It dawned on me that I was watching brain development in real time.

How the Brain Learns "The Other”

Early in life, we are wired primarily for self-focus. Young children experience the world largely through their own needs, impulses, and perspectives. This isn’t selfishness; it’s neurological reality and developmentally appropriate. The brain structures responsible for perspective-taking, impulse inhibition, and emotional regulation are still developing.

The prefrontal cortex is the final area to fully develop in the brain, and that development isn't complete until around age 25. This area's development is how we gain the ability to:

• Understand that someone else’s inner world is separate from our own

• Anticipate another person’s needs or reactions

• Inhibit our own impulses in order to make space for someone else

This capacity is sometimes referred to as mentalization, theory of mind, or relational attunement. It’s the ability to imagine what it’s like to be you, not just react from me.

This ability doesn’t just develop in childhood; it continues to deepen in adulthood, especially within close relationships.

The Kitchen Dance in Adult Relationships

In couples, the kitchen dance shows up everywhere.

It's not only planning your own day, but anticipating your partner’s needs and including that in your big picture. It's seeing all that needs to happen before company arrives, not just the tasks that matter to you.

It's adjusting your rhythm because you’re aware of theirs.

It's not about the dishes - really!

As a therapist, an out-of-sync Kitchen Dance is where I see a lot of relationship pain come in.

When a spouse complains about feeling left on their own to do all of the chores or manage the mental load, it's rarely about the tasks themselves. It's not about whether you did the dishes or took out the trash or made sure to not leave your stuff out on the counter they just cleaned, they are asking for a dance partner, a sense of connection and partnership.

This ask might shows up as a complaint about a task, but inside the hurt is saying:

“I feel invisible.”

“I feel alone in this relationship.”

“I'm afraid I'm doing this on my own, and it feels too heavy.”

"I worry you don't actually care about me."

They are asking for someone who is tracking, adjusting, anticipating - doing the dance WITH them. When couples feel disconnected, it’s often because one or both partners no longer feel known, seen, and cared for. They don’t feel tracked. They don’t feel anticipated. They don’t feel considered. Then loneliness sets in, even when you’re living in the same house.

This dance isn't as hard as you might think, so if you're not much of a dancer, don't despair. Here is a quick guide to learning the rhythm of the Kitchen Dance.

Feeling Known Is What Creates Love

At the deepest level, love isn’t built by perfection or efficiency or even checking off the chore list. It’s built by being known. To feel loved is to feel that:

• Someone sees your effort

• Someone understands your stress

• Someone is aware of what your day actually requires

• Someone is moving with you, not around you

Dr. Sue Johnson developed an easy way to remember how we form secure, trusting love in relationships. She said that in each important relationship, we are wondering:

A.R.E. you there for me? (A)ccessible (R)esponsive (E)ngaged

These three core attachment needs are the drumbeat, the underlying rhythm, for secure, trusting relationships that feel connected and safe.

• Accessible: Can I reach you? Are you physically present and mentally available when I need you, allowing for emotional connection and expression?.

• Responsive: Do you notice and respond to my needs? Do you show empathy, validate my emotions, and try to understand my world, rather than dismissing or getting defensive?.

• Engaged: Do you care? Do you show interest, prioritize me, and make me feel important, even in small ways, through attention, touch, or words?

Why it matters

• Builds Security: Knowing your partner is there for you (A.R.E.) provides deep reassurance, calms the nervous system, and signals connection that combats loneliness. Calm, secure partners are less reactive and faster to resolve problems.

• Eases Conflict: Unanswered A.R.E. questions often lead to fights about seemingly small things, masking underlying fears of abandonment or disconnection.

• Fosters Trust: Consistent, frequent behaviors that answer these questions will strengthen emotional bonds and build lasting trust, helping relationships thrive.

Practical Ways Couples Can Choregraph their Kitchen Dance

Here are a few ways couples can intentionally strengthen this sense of being known and there for each other:

1. Practice Perspective-Taking Out Loud

The good news is, you don't have to be a mind-reader. Instead of assuming, just ask:

“What does today look like for you?”

“What feels heavy this week?”

“What do you need more support with right now?”

This builds the brain’s capacity to hold your partner’s inner world and gives you valuable information about where to focus your efforts.

2. Track Patterns, Not Just Requests

If your partner repeatedly asks for the same help, that’s a pattern not a nag. Patterns are invitations to learn the rhythm.

3. Share the Mental Load, Not Just the Task

Doing the dishes helps. Noticing they need to be done helps more.

This is an excellent way to show that you see your partner - demonstrate that you see what they are faced with.

Couples choose to divide up their labor in different ways, and there is no particular way that is best - even for a particular couple. Communication is key, and revisit the division of tasks frequently to ensure both partners feel respected and valued by the arrangement.

4. Repair Quickly When You Miss the Step

Everyone steps on toes sometimes. Repair sounds like:

“I realize that I wasn’t thinking about what this was like for you. Tell me more about what's happening for you. I want to understand.”

Repair quickly and repair often. This restores safety and connection.

5. Remember What the Complaint Is Really About

When your partner grumbles about chores, pause and remember:

• It’s not about the laundry—it’s about their loneliness.

• It’s not about unwashed dishes—it’s about feeling unseen.

• It’s not about chores at all—it’s about whether you’re dancing together.

The Rhythm of Togetherness

Once both partners feel known, the logistics become solvable. When couples learn to move in rhythm by anticipating, adjusting, and staying aware of one another, conflict becomes easier to navigate. But without that sense of connection, the pain quietly accumulates.

The kitchen dance isn’t about chore charts or fairness spreadsheets. It’s about this simple, powerful message:

“I see you. I’m with you. I’m paying attention because I care.”

That is what makes love feel like love.