If you’ve ever felt like different parts of you are in conflict—one part wants to be confident, but another part keeps whispering self-doubt—you’re not alone. Many people experience internal struggles that feel like competing voices inside their minds. This is where Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can help.
IFS, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, sees the mind as made up of multiple “parts.” These parts develop over time to help us cope with life’s challenges. Some parts are protective, some carry painful emotions, and at the core of our being, there is what IFS calls the “Self”—a wise, compassionate, and calm presence that can lead with confidence and help bring healing to wounded parts.
One of the most painful emotional experiences people struggle with is core shame—the deep-seated belief that “I am not good enough,” “I am unlovable,” or “Something is wrong with me.” Core shame is often hidden beneath layers of defense mechanisms, making it hard to address directly. Fortunately, IFS provides a structured and compassionate way to explore and heal these feelings.
Why IFS Is Effective for Core Shame
Shame is a complex emotion. Unlike guilt, which is about something we have done, shame makes us feel defective at our very core. Many people try to push shame away, bury it, or distract themselves from it, but those strategies only provide temporary relief. Over time, unresolved shame can lead to anxiety, depression, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and difficulty forming healthy relationships.
IFS is especially helpful for healing shame because it allows us to:
Identify the different parts of ourselves that hold shame and understand their origins.
Build a relationship with those parts from a place of curiosity instead of judgment.
Recognize protective parts that may have developed to keep shame hidden, such as perfectionism or avoidance.
Access the Self, the core of who we are, which holds the capacity for deep healing.
Witness and unburden shame so that we no longer feel trapped by it.
By approaching shame with self-compassion, rather than avoidance or criticism, IFS creates a safe and structured way to heal.
The Three Main Types of Parts in IFS
IFS therapy helps us identify and work with different parts of ourselves. These include:
Exiles – These are the parts that carry pain, trauma, or shame. They often hold childhood wounds and the beliefs that stem from them, such as “I am not worthy” or “I am unlovable.” Exiles are usually buried deep because they feel overwhelming.
Protectors – These parts work hard to keep exiled emotions at bay. Protectors show up in different ways and operate by rigid rules. This can include perfectionism, self-criticism, people-pleasing, or avoidance. Their goal is to prevent us from feeling the pain that exiles carry.
Firefighters – When protectors can’t keep the painful feelings away, firefighters step in. They use extreme strategies like substance use, binge eating, or dissociation to shut down distress. While these behaviors can bring temporary relief, they often cause additional problems over time.
At the heart of all these parts is the Self, which is calm, compassionate, and capable of helping all the parts heal.
What to Expect in IFS Therapy for Core Shame
1. Learning to Notice Your Parts
Your therapist will help you identify the different parts of you that show up when you feel shame or perhaps that tend to cause you to repeat behaviors that aren't serving you well. You might start by paying attention to self-critical thoughts or behaviors that emerge in response to difficult emotions such as what happens when you make a mistake at work.
This step is about separating yourself from the shame so you can observe it rather than be consumed by it.
2. Developing a Relationship with Your Parts
Instead of trying to push away feelings of shame, IFS invites you to get to know the part of you that carries it by asking questions about the role of the part. This approach helps build self-compassion and gives the part carrying shame a voice, often revealing that it developed to protect you from past pain.
3. Understanding Your Protectors
Once you identify the part that holds shame, your therapist will help you explore the protectors that try to keep it hidden. These protectors may have been helpful at some point but might now be causing distress. For example, a perfectionist part may have developed to prevent rejection, but its constant pressure can lead to burnout and anxiety.
Your therapist will help you recognize these patterns without judgment, allowing you to appreciate their protective role while also exploring new, healthier ways to cope.
4. Healing the Exiled Parts
Once your protectors trust that the Self can handle the pain, you can begin to heal the exiled parts holding shame. This often involves:
Witnessing the painful memories or beliefs these parts carry.
Bringing compassion and understanding to these wounded parts.
Helping them release old burdens and take on new, healthier roles.
Many people experience a profound shift when they realize that their shame is based on old experiences rather than present reality.
5. Reintegrating with Greater Self-Compassion
As your parts heal, the goal is to increase your sense of connection with your true Self—the calm, compassionate presence that isn’t defined by shame. As that happens, you may notice:
Less inner conflict.
A greater sense of self-worth.
The ability to respond to challenges with calmer self-compassion instead of self-criticism.
Healthier relationships and emotional resilience.
Final Thoughts
IFS therapy offers a powerful and compassionate way to heal core shame. Rather than seeing shame as an enemy to be eliminated, IFS helps us understand it as a wounded part that needs care. By accessing your Self and developing a relationship with your parts, you can finally begin to heal old wounds and move forward with greater confidence and self-acceptance.
If you struggle with shame and find yourself stuck in cycles of self-criticism or avoidance, IFS might be the right approach for you. A skilled therapist can help guide you through this process of building a deeper connection with yourself and working to free yourself from the weight of shame.
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